This past week I have been angry, immensely irate.  I try so very hard not to dwell and stay engulfed in thoughts that will make me feel this way.  Sometimes life sure does its best to stir it all up again.   We just seem to have had one thing after another and my ability to deal is waning.

Last month I was going to meet my husband at a port visit in Australia.  I didn’t even allow myself to really believe it until they pulled out of the port prior to the Australian port visit.  It was the first time in his nearly 17 years of naval service and almost 19 years of marriage that I had the opportunity to do so.  So for 2 days I allowed myself to become really excited about it as it was a mere few weeks away.  Then the news came that due to current world events they would no longer being pulling into port in Australia.  That hurt, a lot.  It has been really hard to spend more than 50% of the last 10 months since our baby’s death apart.  It definitely has not improved the grieving process.  OK, I told myself, I can do this, I’ve dealt with much bigger blows and I will see my husband next month when he comes home, or so I thought.  He has now been extended an extra 30 days and quite frankly I cannot let myself hope that his deployment will not get extended further.  It’s easier at this point to assume that it will be delayed further and then we can be happily surprised if it isn’t.

Last week I was scheduled to finally have my hernia repaired.  I have a large (think cantaloupe size when standing without a binder on as my intestines bulge out of it) hernia in my lower abdomen.  This was caused when my uterus ruptured.  It was a complete rupture and instead of it staying just along my prior c-section scar it did a J hook.  Our baby boy came completely out of my uterus and when I told him “hold still that hurts mommy” he was unbeknownst  to me fighting for his life and ripped out a portion of my abdominal wall which is how the hernia came to be.  I have walked around for the last 10 months with not only a gaping whole in my heart but also a literal one in my abdomen.  When I found out that my husband’s deployment was extended I was done.  I had already waited to have it repaired so he would be here for the surgery and my recovery.  The thought of going to a hospital again brings up so many horrible feelings of dread, terror, sadness, etc. that I wanted, no needed, him by my side.  But as I said, I was done, done walking around with this large constant physical reminder of all that has occurred.  So, in a moment of anger and feeling through with it all I called and scheduled my surgery for the hernia repair and it was to have been done last week.  I felt a moment of relief once it was scheduled knowing soon I would at least have some of the physical discomfort and pain I have been walking around in alleviated.

A week prior to my surgery date I received a phone call from my general surgeon’s office manager.  Silly me, I thought she was just calling to confirm and set up my pre-op appointment.  No, she was calling to tell me that my surgeon had cancelled my surgery.  He is refusing to do it without a plastic surgeon being present who would perform an abdominoplasty (more commonly referred to as a tummy tuck) at the same time.  He had sent me previously to see a plastic surgeon which I did.  Tricare (our health insurance) had denied the authorization for the abdominoplasty.  I appealed and they denied it again.  My surgeon now will not do the surgery, period, without the other being done at the same time.  He strongly believes the hernia due to its large size will reopen sooner rather than later due to not only the extra skin I have from multiple pregnancies but also from the severe diastasis recti that occurred while I was pregnant with our twins.  Given I am not quite 5 foot 2 and that I went just over 38 weeks gestation with them you can see why I have such a large separation of all of my ab muscles (disastasis recti).

I am mad, really mad.  I completely understand why my general surgeon didn’t want to do it without the other and why now he has refused to do it without the other and believes it would be medically negligent to do so.  I am mad that the abdominoplasty was denied twice.  Now, if I had gone through bariatric surgery and loss 100s of pounds they would have been much more likely to cover it.  How fair is that?  So now we will have to cover it.  I am putting in more appeals but the likelihood that Tricare will change their minds after already denying it twice is slim.  Being forced to pay for a surgery that Tricare won’t because they claim it is only cosmetic (which, hello, how is that possible to believe that when the general surgeon WILL NOT FIX MY HERNIA WITHOUT IT?!!!) makes me mad as a hornet.  It is just one more thing in a long string of things these pasts few years.  Here’s a fact, I save them in less than 2 months time what they would have to pay for this surgery by not taking the standard MS disease modifying drugs (DMDs) neurologists want me on and instead have done everything holistically that I can to help my MS not to progress as I had such bad reactions on their DMDs.  But of course, they could care less about that little factoid.

I am angry that I have to deal with this on my own.  I am angry that I had to move to a brand new place 3 weeks after my baby boy died without any support system in place.  Do you know how hard it is to try and be friendly and make friends when your heart is shattered and you never know when the tears may just sneak up on you out of the blue?  There are so many triggers, getting formula and diaper coupons in the mail (still), songs, seeing babies, every Friday, every 1st of the month, milestones missed, our other children’s tears over their loss and fear for their mom.  I am angry that I cannot visit my baby’s gravesite, he’s buried with my grandma and grandpa.  I so often just want to sit and talk to him and cry where his body is laid at rest.

I am angry at politicians who want to try and bait countries into war, in my opinion.  I am angry that our country is still led by this 2 party system and I feel I don’t fit in it.  I am angry that my voice and beliefs are not represented by our countries leaders.  Seriously people, there has to be a way for there to be a viable option besides this left or right business we have now.  I am angry that I have added worry about my husband’s safety.  It was already hard enough to not be anxious and scared at the drop of the hat this past 10 months without all these added stressors.  And guess what stress is?  The biggest instigator for health decline for MS.  Lovely.

My mom had asked me awhile ago if she could start a Go Fund Me page after the abdominoplasty was first denied.  I wasn’t overly enthralled with the idea.  She brought it up with me again after my general surgeon cancelled my hernia repair surgery.  I acquiesced and allowed her to set a page up.  I have never been good at asking for or wanting help.  I always think I need to be the strong one.  My mom tells me my first full sentence was “I can do it myself.”  It has sort of been a life long thing for me.  I hate to be needy.  I hate to have to have help.  But, as she pointed out that sometimes takes away others’ joy that they get from being able to help others.  So, I did, I said yes, I will take help from others.  I am so tired of trying to fight all of this by myself.  So thank you to those who have donated and I am sorry to everyone else that until now I was not ready to share the link myself.  Here it is.

You have my permission to share.  I am getting over myself.  Or at least desperately trying to.